“The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.”
Clarity, I tend to think, is a little bit like a dream. You get a taste of it for a moment and everything makes perfect sense, but before you even have a chance to preserve the dream, you get called back to reality. You lose the sight of the simple truths that were so crystal clear mere moments before. How I wish I could grasp on to those lucid thoughts, those moments of understanding, and not let go. I wish I could firmly plant my feet on a solid, decisive path. I think of the poem, "Footprints" and I am reminded that there is no solid path. The walk of life is not a paved road with a definitive direction. It's a sandy passage, that if we try to walk on our own will strain and exhaust. Sometimes we need to be carried through. We cannot always find answers or direction in our own strength and willpower. No amount of straining or striving will bring us to the end. So I will rest my head on the shoulder of the one who has promised to carry me through this walk of life. I will rest and trust that I will be brought through the mire. I am where I need to be right now. I will wake up and find that I have gotten through to the other side and walk on my own two feet again, but never alone.
I may not have clarity in all the areas of life that I desire, but I do know that I am not alone. I am grateful for that certainty.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
But It Still Rolls
My daughter came running up to me with childish excitement in her voice and proudly displayed an old toy truck missing a wheel. "Look Mommy! Look what I found!" I gave it a quick glance and replied, "That's nice that you found it, but too bad it's broken." She shook her head at me emphatically and put the truck on the floor and I watched the truck lurch around as she gave it a shove. "See, Mommy, but it still rolls."
It's funny how when you are overwhelmed by a particular issue that everything in life speaks to it. The truck incident became an instant reflection of my relationship with my husband. The relationship is broken. It may have a few wheels left on it, but it is not cruising the way it used to. It will always be a broken truck. Even if a salvage wheel were to be put on it, it would not drive the same as before. Who ever even takes the time to repair a broken old toy that no longer brings you joy? My daughter's delight in the fact that the truck still moved, albeit awkwardly, brings me hope. Perhaps we can find a way to make our marriage precious again.
It's funny how when you are overwhelmed by a particular issue that everything in life speaks to it. The truck incident became an instant reflection of my relationship with my husband. The relationship is broken. It may have a few wheels left on it, but it is not cruising the way it used to. It will always be a broken truck. Even if a salvage wheel were to be put on it, it would not drive the same as before. Who ever even takes the time to repair a broken old toy that no longer brings you joy? My daughter's delight in the fact that the truck still moved, albeit awkwardly, brings me hope. Perhaps we can find a way to make our marriage precious again.
Monday, September 20, 2010
The Middle of a Journey
I have never been a big writer. I dabbled with poetry in my high school years. What teenager doesn't seek ways to express themselves? I have always found the thought of writing anything outside of a journal intimidating. I am not quite sure why I am doing this even now. Perhaps it is because, once again, I am seeking ways to express myself. Part of me believes it is because there is value in sharing our experiences with one another. If we can learn life's lesson through another or gain even the slightest bit of wisdom or insight, then we have grown that much more.
I have never considered my life to be an interesting one. I feel like an average woman with an average story. I am a Marine wife, married for 9 years to a man who has taken me on a journey I never dreamed I would take.The journey has been a long one; not all bad, not a good, but definitely my own personal odyssey.
As I write this, we are at a bumpy place in the road; a place that you never think you personally will end up in. It is that point in time where you sit and wonder, "How did we come to this?" This point in the road is where no one ever hopes to find themselves. When I sit and reflect back on the path that brought us here, I am not quite surprised. We married young. We had children immediately. He is in the Marine Corps, where that fact alone means your marriage is not going to be an easy one. He has deployed 5 times, all within a six year span. He is getting ready to go on deployment #6 in a few short months. When he is not deployed he is training. If you combine all the time he has been away from home, out of the 9 years we have been married, we have only spent 4 1/2 together. I have the demanding honor of being married to one of the few, one of the proud, a dedicated Marine EOD technician. It is no easy task. The strenuous duty of being a military wife is not for the faint of heart. Even a woman who has a man of flawless character (who only exists in fairy tales and soap operas) will encounter maddening struggles when trying to live in the military world.
My marriage has reached a point that all marriages lasting any length of time reach. The newness is gone. You are not madly in infatuation. You are now in a comfortable, familiar place. You know the -isms of your spouse. You can read them like a book and react to unspoken words and body language that yells at you from across a room. You love, but you are not "in love." This does not mean that your marriage is failing, it means that you have entered the next phase; the phase that Hollywood portrays as boring and dull and lifeless. While it is not all bad, it is not a place I am comfortable being. I realize that we are, essentially, at a crossroads. We can continue on in the monotony, living in the familiar which, in my opinion means you might as well just prepare to be roommates OR we can reach beyond and build a real marriage, the kind that lasts a lifetime and is awed by all. This is where we are, or perhaps just a bit beyond it. The truth is, while we are still at that crossroads, we are angling for the road I would rather not travel. It seems that the junction we have come to is filled with potholes and even navigating towards a turn has become it's own journey.
We are not in a happy place. While I cannot speak for where my husband stands (mostly because we are not speaking of anything of importance when we do speak), I can say that I am not happy. The last year and a half have been very trying for me personally which has put added stress on our marriage. The last few weeks I have been in tears almost everyday. Some are tears of anger, some confusion, most are just painful, weary tears. I am tired. I am empty. It is not all his fault, nor is it mine. Life has been unkind to everyone lately. I love him and I know he loves me. I am just unsure of how he loves me. That thought alone brings me pain.
So I guess, ultimately, I am starting this blog to untangle the web; to process where we have been, where we are and where we are going. I hope while I share this journey that I can provide insight to others on the challenges of military life, the challenges of marriage and the challenges of finding the person God wants you to be in the maze of life.
“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination." Don Williams, Jr.
I have never considered my life to be an interesting one. I feel like an average woman with an average story. I am a Marine wife, married for 9 years to a man who has taken me on a journey I never dreamed I would take.The journey has been a long one; not all bad, not a good, but definitely my own personal odyssey.
As I write this, we are at a bumpy place in the road; a place that you never think you personally will end up in. It is that point in time where you sit and wonder, "How did we come to this?" This point in the road is where no one ever hopes to find themselves. When I sit and reflect back on the path that brought us here, I am not quite surprised. We married young. We had children immediately. He is in the Marine Corps, where that fact alone means your marriage is not going to be an easy one. He has deployed 5 times, all within a six year span. He is getting ready to go on deployment #6 in a few short months. When he is not deployed he is training. If you combine all the time he has been away from home, out of the 9 years we have been married, we have only spent 4 1/2 together. I have the demanding honor of being married to one of the few, one of the proud, a dedicated Marine EOD technician. It is no easy task. The strenuous duty of being a military wife is not for the faint of heart. Even a woman who has a man of flawless character (who only exists in fairy tales and soap operas) will encounter maddening struggles when trying to live in the military world.
My marriage has reached a point that all marriages lasting any length of time reach. The newness is gone. You are not madly in infatuation. You are now in a comfortable, familiar place. You know the -isms of your spouse. You can read them like a book and react to unspoken words and body language that yells at you from across a room. You love, but you are not "in love." This does not mean that your marriage is failing, it means that you have entered the next phase; the phase that Hollywood portrays as boring and dull and lifeless. While it is not all bad, it is not a place I am comfortable being. I realize that we are, essentially, at a crossroads. We can continue on in the monotony, living in the familiar which, in my opinion means you might as well just prepare to be roommates OR we can reach beyond and build a real marriage, the kind that lasts a lifetime and is awed by all. This is where we are, or perhaps just a bit beyond it. The truth is, while we are still at that crossroads, we are angling for the road I would rather not travel. It seems that the junction we have come to is filled with potholes and even navigating towards a turn has become it's own journey.
We are not in a happy place. While I cannot speak for where my husband stands (mostly because we are not speaking of anything of importance when we do speak), I can say that I am not happy. The last year and a half have been very trying for me personally which has put added stress on our marriage. The last few weeks I have been in tears almost everyday. Some are tears of anger, some confusion, most are just painful, weary tears. I am tired. I am empty. It is not all his fault, nor is it mine. Life has been unkind to everyone lately. I love him and I know he loves me. I am just unsure of how he loves me. That thought alone brings me pain.
So I guess, ultimately, I am starting this blog to untangle the web; to process where we have been, where we are and where we are going. I hope while I share this journey that I can provide insight to others on the challenges of military life, the challenges of marriage and the challenges of finding the person God wants you to be in the maze of life.
“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination." Don Williams, Jr.
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